Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?

Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”

let’s discuss

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*

Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.