Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.

You heard.

Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe

My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

Finally a use for spoilers…

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me