Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

It’s my birthday!

This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈

I Can’t Tonight…

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream

Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.