Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.