Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.

“and this blood shall be called A+”

all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’

beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

“You make me so wet.”

– me, to my shower.

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart