Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

A choir of Spring onions

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

[first day as a scientist]

*accidentally finishes science*

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?

Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”

I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”

“I have none.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, I have no friends.”

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.