Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
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[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Some guy in the middle of my Nosferatu screening took out his phone and googled ‘Nosferatu’
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping