Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
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Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?