Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
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I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL