Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

Not messing around

What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt