Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
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Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb