Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
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It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Krampus.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”