Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
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Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking