Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

water solves a lot of problems.

want to lose weight? drink more water

having a bad day? take a shower

tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them

it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?

hmmm

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.

You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.

No. You cannot have both.

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

My dad teaching me to drive

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.

If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar