Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
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texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
When Dr. Pimple Popper squeezed people’s pimples for fun, they thanked her and gave her a tv show… but when I do it, I’m “violating boundaries” and “committing simple assault”, and “not a dermatologist”.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.