Cats (2019)
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teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
just make the entire table out of coaster
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere