Cats (2019)
You Might Also Like
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
sorry I’m late, my dog was sleeping in the shape of a donut and I had to take 175 photos
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins