Cats (2019)
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I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Which wines pair best with gloating?
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Remember during Covid, if you had family over for Christmas the police would show up and make them go home?
Does anybody know if this service is still available?
Thanks in advance.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.