Cats (2019)
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I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
what the
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
The fall of Netflix
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”