Cats (2019)
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I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
😂😂
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Stop
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
When you’re Kinky but poor
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game