Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
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You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.