Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
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FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁