Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

Finally, an instrument I can play!

roommate: do u have any shaving cream

me: no it tastes gross

roommate: you eat shaving crea-

me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

[restaurant]

Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese

Her: … you definitely don’t have permission

Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan

Ain’t no way

On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?

DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…

where do you see yourself in five years?

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”

………. she’s my 3rd kid.

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

Me: what word would you use?

Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all mapleleaf