Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores