Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
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Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up