Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
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I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
This dude got his own movie?
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.