Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?

“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”

No. YOU-buprofen.

Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

mariah carrie

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.

Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.

ME: Table for 7 please

WAITER: Hahahahahahaha

ME: 7-p-m. Just me

WAITER: Okay that makes more sense

Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.