Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
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Tapped in
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Air conditioning – not a fan
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.