Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
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A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I think I’m having a stroke
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.