cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
You Might Also Like
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Worst bar ever.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?