cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
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“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
i want to work in this restaurant
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Going to look at the small picture for a while. Tired of seeing the big picture. Too much picture.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
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Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.