Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those

KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”