cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
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i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
My Plans 2020
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store