cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
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Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet