cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
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I was just discussing this with my cat
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated