cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
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if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
584.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.