cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
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Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.