Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
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We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Imma just leave this here…………
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Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
My husband asked me whether his snoring ever disrupts my sleep and I said no and he responded “ok, I was just wondering if we were BOTH doing that to each other . . .”
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?