Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
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“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
incredible book dedication
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.