Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
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APOLOGISE NOW!!!
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
no refunds
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.