Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
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All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Mountain Goat : )
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
what could possibly go wrong?
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!