Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
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*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
#ParentingFacts
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please