Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
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*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
How times have changed.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal