I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
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Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Accurate
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.