Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER

“Dress for the job you want!”

*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”