cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
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I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I will never stop laughing at this
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey