cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
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when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.