@thombodytolove

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

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@SgunSuperman

It’s OK people with a poor grasp of the English language, I’m a sex attic too.

@mrtruthandsoul

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

@anarchicwolf

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

@sageboggs

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

@Browtweaten

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

@kellyoxford

7yr old “Do women get their periods on weekends too?”
Me “Yes”
7yr old mutters to herself “Jesus Christ”

@MorticiaKate

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

@TheCatWhisprer

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

@boburnham

Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!