cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
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If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
This 4th of July, please remember…
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
*bites zombie*
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?