Upstaged by cuttlefish yet again
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
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Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
$1,000/hour for an escort? No thanks. I’ve been crossing the street by myself for free since I was 6.
Oh shit I thought the sliding glass door was closed! Help help!!
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*