cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

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It’s OK people with a poor grasp of the English language, I’m a sex attic too.


Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?


My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.


Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose


Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot


7yr old “Do women get their periods on weekends too?”
Me “Yes”
7yr old mutters to herself “Jesus Christ”


Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*


The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.


Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!