@thombodytolove

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

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@heymonroe

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

@GrantTanaka

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

@Manda_like_wine

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

@Boba_Photo

$1,000/hour for an escort? No thanks. I’ve been crossing the street by myself for free since I was 6.

@RunOldMan

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

@panmidwest

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

@AudreyPorne

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*