Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
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[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
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Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
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request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I never know how much to tip a cow.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close