the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
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Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Thrilling chase underway
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.