cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
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Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
the clam before the storm
[30 seconds into a jazz song]
Omg, I think I really like jazz![30 seconds later]
Alright, enough of this
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
HERE’S MARKY
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
every olympics i turn into this guy
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.