Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
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ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
DON’T TELL ME MY DISHWASHING SPONGE IS “CONTAMINATED.” MY SWEET DEPARTED GRANDMA GAVE ME THAT SPONGE. YOU KEEP MY GRANDMA’S NAME OUTTA YOUR MOUTH
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase