Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
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It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I put the I in Insufferable.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Teamwork makes the dream work.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Uh oh…
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”