Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
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Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I’m a self-made hundredaire
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
serving silly goose instead of turkey
Just a bush.