Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.

Me: …. What?

5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.

Me: …..

Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

181.

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.