Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”

Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels