Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!

Grass: [grows]

Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them

[ouija board]

Who are you?

*board begins spelling*

G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O

What the — a Luigi Board?!

W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you