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“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there