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Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
#Caturday
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.