Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
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Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!