Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
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dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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….
….
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“Oh god wait.”
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Well, this is awkward
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Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
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My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem