Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

same bro

When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method

Friend: what the hell does that mean

Guy: we ratatouille the horse

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.