Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

[Eating canned soup]

OMG I love sodium.

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.

Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep

Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working

Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”

Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”

Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

I think Neptune can hear the YouTube video my son is watching.

❒Single

❒Taken

✔ This claim is disputed!

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive