Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.