Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
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[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
what does he know…
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Childbirth is so beautiful
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
at ease…shoulder.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*