Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
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Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
I disagree with my politics
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit