Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
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Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.