Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
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I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Every damn time
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”