cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
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A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
(True)
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
me when somebody idk start touching me
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses