Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds

Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.

Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.

You: Hold my beer.

Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.