Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer

Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

???????????????????????

*orders delivery*

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me

Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.