Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.

On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.

Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.

Me: Gross.

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there