Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
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One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
scrabbled eggs
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral