Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
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People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.